Finding Equipoise

Grateful

So my running program went on hiatus for a couple weeks.  Mostly because I got busy with work and motherhood and blah, blah, blah and figured that was the easiest to give up.  Also, because it got cold...very suddenly.  After almost two weeks I really thought about it and decided that taking care of my body was more important than housework or really anything else...because if I let my body down...I will let everything and everyone down in not being able to do what I normally do.  Plus I missed it...A LOT.  I FEEL so much better when I've exercised.  I feel healthy, happy, and in control- which you know is like breathing to me.  Also, I'm sick of the unsightly bulges.  So I emailed Love and told him I needed to figure out some way to run again.  I figured he'd email me back some encouragement and I'd need to start brainstorming.  Instead he emailed me and said he'd permanently put Zoe to bed on the nights I wanted to run- we usually switch off every two nights- so I could just go as soon as my dinner had settled.  After a week of this I really think it's going to work.  It freed me to go whenever I was ready instead of worrying about getting Zoe to bed first or coming up with excuses (like laziness) not to.  It helps that it also gives me motivation in the form of guilt: "If Love is going to put Zoe to bed, I can't really just be lazy and not run."  I'm so grateful, not only for his support, but for him enabling me to create a healthy habit.  Besides, I figure it's a win-win for him.  He gets time with Zoe on his own (while I get time on my own) and, if I get in better shape, he'll reap the benefits.  :)  Hello, week 3!

Am I doing this right?

As a (relatively) new mother, I've come to the abrupt realization recently that I have no idea what I'm doing.  Finally I realize why so many parents turn to other parents, mothers, parenting books and doctors for advice all the time.  I think in the first year of life your main focus is to keep your kid alive.  You have to make sure they are getting enough food, sleep, attention, playtime, etc.  Then suddenly they begin to crawl and you must make sure to keep them out of harm's way and teach them how to master things like stairs and to refrain from using that chair that topples backwards to pull themselves up.  You finally get to a point where you are trusting them more and more and then they start to walk.  It's a whole new ballgame, walking.  Suddenly, because they are mobile on two legs just like everyone else, they think they are big.  They begin using their daily accumulated vocabulary not just to practice sounds, but to communicate ideas...or frustrations.  They want to start doing things themselves and you want to let them.  You try not to hover while they climb up the stairs and stand up dangerously close to the edge.  You praise them for their good behavior and do your best to divert them from violent behavior (like hitting, scratching, and pinching), dangerous behavior (like running into the street), and annoying behavior (like screaming).  Then you watch shows about a Fantastic English Caregiver who gives parents discipline coaching and see all these kids who's parents were just like you...doing their best to raise kids into productive members of society without really knowing how...and their kids went the complete opposite of their hopes.  You see these little monsters and you think, "Oh, my kids will never be like that."  How do you know??!!  I sometimes see a stubbornness and defiance in my daughter at a tender age of 15 months that I didn't expect to encounter until her teen years and I wonder how I'm ever going to do this RIGHT.  I don't want her to turn into a little monster because I let her get away with everything (which I don't)...yet I also don't want to be that overly controlling mother that every child hates because she won't let them be their own person.  I want her to have all the opportunities in the world to choose from.  I want her to be able to decide on her own what she likes and dislikes, what kind of person she wants to be, etc.  I also want to pass on to her important pearls of wisdom I've strung around my neck over the years.  How does one do all this right?  If you know, I'd invite you to tell me.  I'd guess that you don't.  I don't think anyone does.  In fact, I'm fairly certain every single parent in the world asks themselves after every parenting action, "Did I do that right?  Did I do the best I could?  Will I help them?  Will I hinder them?" and so on.  I guess I'll just do my best to try to live in the moment.  Second guessing the past will do no good most of the time...and my hopes for her future are just that- hopes.  It's likely that she'll go a completely different direction than I could ever imagine.  It's likely there will be many mistakes, fun, heartache, joy, and surprises (happy and sad) over the course of her life.  I'm sure she'll teach me more than I'll ever teach her.  I just hope when she looks back on her youth she'll forget my mistakes and just see how much I love her and how much hope I will always have for her future.

List

Updating in list form:

* I haven't posted for several reasons (you will see them as you read on).  I've been super busy with work, new responsibilities, and trying desperately to keep up with the housework- easier to keep up than to deal with ransacked house and the end of the week.

* Zoe's had diarrhea for the last 3 days and a super painful, blistering bum-rash as a result.  It breaks my heart to change her bum as she cries and screams "Nonononono!" every time I wipe her.  It seems to be getting better though. 

* This came after two weeks of cutting molars and a month of terrible naps.  It's been a struggle to be a Mom lately.  Fortunately, she is hilarious and I LOVE her so I have built a well of patience.  I'll admit now that it's drying up.  I hope she starts napping soon.

* Also in Zoe news (what?  I'm home with her ALL DAY, EVERYDAY...what else would I talk about?)  She is getting tubes in just-shy-of two weeks.  I'm really nervous about the anesthesia and the surgery...but I'm hoping it will prevent multiple ear infections this Winter.  I'd love to hear (happy) stories about this if you have them.

* I went the the Killers concert on Saturday with Love- got him the tickets for Father's Day and he said he'd only take me (they're nearly the only band we both like).  I have to say, it was one of the best concerts I've ever been to.  You hope a band you love will be awesome live and they did not disappoint.  We heard a decent opening band (they didn't say their name clearly) and were surprised by a Mariachi band just before the Killers came on.  I have to say, I like Mariachi music...it reminds me of home.  However, maybe not the best idea at that kind of concert. Finally the Killers came on and from the start (after fixing some technical difficulties) it was a huge rush- literally.  We were general admission floor and were fortunate enough to be maybe two rows behind the stage...except when we were nearly smashed flat as the Killers struck the first chord and the entire crowd surged forward. We kept our ground and once we sorted out our centimeters of space everyone was dancing and singing along.  The best part was being there with Love...seeing him grin ear to ear was so worth it!

* I have finally (after several weeks of restarting) made it to week two of the Couch-to-5k running program.  Knee injuries, sickness, lack of motivation, and general laziness have been my excuses...then I get out there and run and I truly enjoy it.  The peace and quiet, the moon lighting my way, the stress relief...all of it.  To tell the truth, I was feeling pretty good and had become comfortable with week one's routine.  Week two kicked my butt yesterday, but it felt good to work a little harder.  I'm certain if I keep at it, I'll continue to feel better about myself, increase my strength, and hopefully lose a little weight and get into better shape for the next pregnancy.

* We are trying again.  No luck yet, but this time I haven't concerned myself with it too much.  It's only been a couple months.  I stay so busy with Zoe, Love, work, housework and with trying to do things for myself (read, run, play the piano, etc) that I can't dwell on it so much.  Also, I refuse to be the paranoid person I was then- unwilling to do ANYTHING that could possibly keep me from getting pregnant...living in a cocoon...crying all the time.  I don't know if it's because I already have one baby, or because I have doubts about how I will handle two kids, or if I'm just in a better place with myself, but I feel like my mind is healthier this time...it feels easier to let nature take it's course.  I wonder sometimes if Love is worried I will become single-minded again.  I don't want to...but of course it's early on and I don't know what will happen, so we'll see.  I did learn with Zoe that a baby will come when it's time...and no sooner.  I just hope I can remember it.

I think that'll do for now.  Sorry, this list isn't really a list...I'm sure with very little tweaking I could make it into a regular post...but it's late so it's fine.  What have you been up to?

Sweat

As much as I hate it, there's nothing quite like knowing you worked your muscles hard enough to heat them up and cause you to sweat.  Recently I have stopped merely complaining about my weight and started to do something about it.  I'm paying attention to the amount of calories I put in my body and I've been working on fitting exercise into my schedule.  Neither have been easy and I haven't been perfect.  I decided, however, that perfection does not matter.  I'm simply proud to be doing SOMETHING.  I've been on a few walks...a couple with Zoe, but we're going to wait on that until it cools a bit before she goes with me again.  Tonight I decided to try running again...it's been a while.  As hard as it was, and as many times as I slowed to a walk, it still felt so good to really get my muscles moving.  I had forgotten my favorite parts: the wind rushing past my ears, the tightening of my abs, the burning in my thighs, the steady rhythm of my breathing as my music paced my feet.  I was determined to go today, so I ran in the dark- which I don't recommend as I listened to my music quietly and was so alert the whole time I couldn't fully enjoy the release of running- but at least I went.  As I sit here, still feeling the burn of my lungs, I feel accomplished...and ready to do a little better tomorrow.

P.S. I really appreciate everyone's comments on my last post.  As you've probably guessed by the running, I'm feeling much better now.  :)

Ouch

Around 11 monthsof age Zoe had to visit the doctor for yet another illness.  At that time I decided to ask the doctor how and when I should begin weaning Zoe to cow's milk if I wanted to be finished breastfeeding around her 1-year mark.  The doctor told me to wean her gradually, for example...one feeding per week, until she was completely weaned.  She also told me that I could start right away and to try to wean her to a cup since she already uses one for water. 

Zoe was not fond of the cup idea. 

Actually, that's putting it lightly.  She absolutely HATED the cup...to the point that it took me a few days to get her drinking water properly again.  

To counter this reaction we thought we might buy her new cups just for milk.  We took her along with us to the store, picked out a cup, and left feeling pretty confident.

No deals.  This kid was not weaning to a cup...unless I wanted to take 5 months to stop breastfeeding.

SO, we weaned her to a bottle...fairly easily.  It took us 6 weeks.  There were a couple feedings that took her longer to give up...mainly breakfast and lunch.  (The doctor wasn't thrilled that we went to a bottle...said we'd taken a step backwards.  Yeah.)

Admittedly, bedtime still isn't all calm and serene.  She went to bed SCREAMING.BLOODY.MURDER. several nights last week.  It's only been just over a week on the night-time feedings though.  I think she'll be fine in the next few days.

Now to the point.

Here I was thinking that was the end of it.  It's not, my friends...it's the beginning...of the pain. 

My thought process was that, since I had weaned her gradually over a six week period- and hadn't had much if any pain yet, that my milk would just stop coming in.  Well here I sit a week and a half after her last latching and I can't hardly hold her, or hug anyone, or be touched.  I sat on my couch for two hours with a heating pad today- trying to sooth a clogged milk duct (pain on top of pain). I called the nurse who said it could be a good two weeks before I get any relief!  I tried taking ibuprofen, hoping it might take the edge off...it didn't touch it.  I'm to the point where I wonder if I really should have stopped nursing at one year.  There were reasons...something to the effect of trying to conceive again soon (in case it takes forever again) and having my body belong to me again for a bit (which is nice, I must say).  In any case, here I sit...dreading bed after being awakened by a wrong move several times last night.  I hope this is over soon.

Moms...experiences? advice? consolation? Talk amongst yourselves!

Love and Equipoise

Got this from dooce.  It's been floating around facebook too.  I figure I don't know how much about the two of us I've spilled here so here goes:

What are your middle names?
 My middle name is Cherice, Love's middle name is Watson...as in "My Dear".  No, just kidding, it's his Mother's maiden name.

How long have you been together?
We've been together over 5 years

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Well, I met him in high school so...4 years

Who asked whom out?
I was at work when he came in with his family for lunch.  (I worked at Red Robin.)  He asked me out by pretending that his Jetta key was either lost or locked in the car (impossible) and came back into my work to "look for it".  He asked me out after he "found" it and we've been together ever since.  Five years later, I just now realized that our entire relationship sprouted from a lie...should I be worried?

How old are each of you?
I'm 26, he's 25...yes I robbed the cradle.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
His.  Mine live in New Mexico.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I don't know that there is a specific situation that is hard on us.  We have a tendency to talk each other up and through difficult situations.  I think our struggle as a couple is that we are both very opinionated, defensive and stubborn by nature...which makes for some crazy head-butting.  However, we are very good at fighting- meaning we usually resolve things quickly...even though we are throwing grenades for a bit.

Did you go to the same school?
For a couple years in high school.   

Are you from the same home town?
No.  I grew up in Albuquerque, NM and Love grew up all over- Army brat.  I would say we now live in what he'd call his hometown...if he had one.

Who is smarter?
Book smart?  Me.  Street smart?  Him.  I've never known anyone who can store more information- useless or not- in their head...he's experienced more of the world than me.

Who is the most sensitive?
I am leaning towards me...but he has his moments...especially since Zoe was born.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Most?  McDonald's.  Ha ha, how sad is that?

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Springfield, VA

Who has the craziest exes?
I think we're about equal on that one...and that's as far as that's going.

Who has the worst temper?
Both of us have pretty bad tempers.  He has a tendency to hold on to grudges...he'll keep quiet but you know when he's mad- you'll find yourself walking on eggshells.  It takes a lot to get me mad, but if you get there, it's not pretty.  I yell a lot...and cry.  I don't hold grudges, but I'll force you to hash it out right then and there because I don't like to hang on to stuff like that.

Who does the cooking?
I used to before I became a Mom and realized I'm not superwoman.  He does most of it now, but we trade off.

Who is the neat-freak?
Though I have weakened a bit in recent months- children will do that to you- I will readily admit that I'm the neat freak...and he...well...he just isn't.  Clutter stresses me OUT!

Who is more stubborn?
I am the opinionated stubborn type.  He is the silent stubborn type.  I think we're in trouble with our already stubborn 7 month old.

Who hogs the bed?
HIM!  If I'm sleeping well I hardly move.

Who wakes up earlier?
ME.  Gotta get up and ready before Zoe gets up.  For the record, there's nothing more frustrating than watching other's sleep contentedly on a Saturday morning or when it's 5:30 am and you have to be awake.

Where was your first date?
A movie theater in Albuquerque...we saw "Freaky Friday".  One of probably 5 chick flicks he's ever watched with me.

Who is more jealous?
Neither.  After some interesting past relationships we both make it a point to never be jealous.  We have complete trust in each other.

How long did it take to get serious?
He knew right away.  It took my stubborn behind a few more weeks to catch on that this was the love of my life.  We were engaged a month after that.

Who eats more?
Him...by a mile.  I remember when we first got married.  I would make what I thought was a huge meal.  He would eat firsts...then seconds...then be in the fridge looking for something else.  I was shocked.  He also eats much faster than me.

Who does the laundry?
We both do...but I tend to be stuck with the folding and putting away a lot.  He blames it on my OCD about how mine and Zoe's clothes are folded- he does do his clothes.  I think it's a cop out.  It continues and we're both happy.  :)

Who's better with the computer?
Probably him, though I think I can sort of hold my own.  Truthfully I think we need a computer technician in the family to make sure we haven't done something massively damaging to this machine.

Who drives when you are together?
He almost always drives.  I am pretty much done with driving.  I've driven cross country one too many times I think.  Plus, I get to sit and read a lot of the time during our hour commute to work.

Love, if you find any discrepancies, feel free to fill out your own version.

I tag anyone that wants to.  Leave a comment if you do!

Resolutions for 2009

So, since I've been sick for over a week, I hope you'll forgive me for not posting sooner...and yes, I know I still owe you Zoe's six month post.  Geez, does anyone else feel like the holidays totally throw you off and you can't reset your schedule until the end of January?  Well I do. 

Anyway, Love and I came up with our goals for the year and I thought I'd share mine here.  Maybe we'll revisit them if I'm doing well periodically this year and pour out excuses share my progress.

In an effort to get back to the point of my blog- to find equipoise (a state of balance)- I tried to cover several areas with my resolutions.  Here we go:

1. Find time to put myself first.  Give myself the opportunity to be creative, musical, active, lazy, whatever.  If I can't make time for me, I will lose myself.

2. GET OUT OF DEBT

3. Find a way to either quit or work from home.

4. Make the gospel a priority and focus on my spiritual side.  Make time for prayer, for scriptures, for time to reflect and time to be quiet.

5. GET IN SHAPE!!!! NO MORE EXCUSES!!!

6. Find ways to be more organized at home.  Create plans to keep up with the house without making it an impossible task.  Always try to find ways to make things more efficient and less cluttered.

7. Cook at home more.  I've been bad at this since we moved.

8. Stick to a budget.  See number 2.

9. Worry less, do more.

10. Realize that sometimes playing with Zoe is more important than sweeping the floor.  Spending quality time with Love is more important than fussing at him over the way he did something.  Time passes quickly, take advantage of the minutes you have.

So that is it.  Or at least that's all I'm going to put on paper.  Yikes, now that it's all down it seems daunting.  Well, one step at a time right? 

Zoe's First Christmas

We were pleasantly surprised as we took a hungry Zoe downstairs Christmas morning to receive her first presents from Santa ever.  She was immediately interested in her new toys.  She even helped Love open her presents a bit.  She was fun to watch as she inspected each of her gifts.  We did laugh at her a little as she looked around a few times trying to figure out why this particular morning was so different.  By the end she was tired of the present thing and ready to eat, but we think she did great!  Here are a few photos:

 

"Mom!  We just woke up!"

 

The tree...Santa came!

 

"I learn fast."

 

"Books that talk and sing!"

 

"This looks delicious!"

 

"Is this mine?"

 

"Wow, she's pretty!"

 

"It's sooo not that cold in here."

 

"Well look at that!  New PJ'S!"

 

"Didn't you know?  DVD's are for eating."

 

"Wow!  That frog is as big as me!"

 

"Ooo...cozy outerwear!"

 

"Let's see there's one, two, three..."

 

"Playing with the new toys...sitting all by myself."

 

"K, Mom, I'm ready to eat now."

There was much more under that tree for her than what I posted in pictures.  Thank you to everyone who helped Zoe to have such a great Christmas!  I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday as much as we did.

___________________________________________________________

On a more serious note, my Grandpa passed away peacefully in his home on December 24th.  I will be taking a break from blogging for the week in order to attend his funeral and spend some time with family.  While he will be greatly missed, he had been ill for some time and we're glad that he's home at peace with our Heavenly Father.  My Mom wrote a lovely tribute post to her Daddy here.  Thank you for your understanding, friendship and love.

26

Twenty-six years ago this last Sunday I came into the world.  We celebrated by sleeping in, going to church, and attending to family dinner to eat yummy homemade chicken noodle soup with brownies for dessert.  A few years ago Love gave me a print of my favorite Van Gogh, "Starry Night".  It's been sitting in our closet in a tube for a long time.  Five years later he had it framed for my birthday.

 

He and Zoe also framed one of the family pictures we took recently:

 

Thoughful gifts always make a birthday wonderful.  Also, getting to spend time with family always makes for a great day.  

Lastly, my birthday happened to fall on the Sunday before Christmas so I have to include a few pictures of Zoe in her Christmas dress.  In case I don't get on here again before then, Merry Christmas everyone!

 

 

Tag...5 things you may not know about me!

I was tagged by Nichole.

1. I am a sucker for old movies.  Some of my favorites are "My Fair Lady", "Oklahoma!", "Carousel", "Calamity Jane", "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"...this list goes on. 

2. Some, but not all know that I used to go swing dancing weekly...I was actually pretty good.  Since I got married I've never been able to find a place to go, or people to go with so I haven't done it in ages...but I miss it terribly.  I can't hear a song with a swing beat that doesn't make me want to dance.  I have also had limited training in several latin dances and some ballroom.

3. It really bugs me when people put the spoon side down in the dishwasher because it usually gets that white ring inside the spoon and it makes me crazy! 

4. I won't buy any clothing that requires ironing or dry cleaning.  I am far too lazy to deal with that.

5. My cd's in my cd case have to be in alphabetical order or I can't find anything.  If I know they are out of order I usually won't bother trying to put in a cd, I'll just listen to the radio.

I tag Love Squalor, Kimbie, Sexy Choco, So Pretty, and LacyCat.