Finding Equipoise

Am I doing this right?

As a (relatively) new mother, I've come to the abrupt realization recently that I have no idea what I'm doing.  Finally I realize why so many parents turn to other parents, mothers, parenting books and doctors for advice all the time.  I think in the first year of life your main focus is to keep your kid alive.  You have to make sure they are getting enough food, sleep, attention, playtime, etc.  Then suddenly they begin to crawl and you must make sure to keep them out of harm's way and teach them how to master things like stairs and to refrain from using that chair that topples backwards to pull themselves up.  You finally get to a point where you are trusting them more and more and then they start to walk.  It's a whole new ballgame, walking.  Suddenly, because they are mobile on two legs just like everyone else, they think they are big.  They begin using their daily accumulated vocabulary not just to practice sounds, but to communicate ideas...or frustrations.  They want to start doing things themselves and you want to let them.  You try not to hover while they climb up the stairs and stand up dangerously close to the edge.  You praise them for their good behavior and do your best to divert them from violent behavior (like hitting, scratching, and pinching), dangerous behavior (like running into the street), and annoying behavior (like screaming).  Then you watch shows about a Fantastic English Caregiver who gives parents discipline coaching and see all these kids who's parents were just like you...doing their best to raise kids into productive members of society without really knowing how...and their kids went the complete opposite of their hopes.  You see these little monsters and you think, "Oh, my kids will never be like that."  How do you know??!!  I sometimes see a stubbornness and defiance in my daughter at a tender age of 15 months that I didn't expect to encounter until her teen years and I wonder how I'm ever going to do this RIGHT.  I don't want her to turn into a little monster because I let her get away with everything (which I don't)...yet I also don't want to be that overly controlling mother that every child hates because she won't let them be their own person.  I want her to have all the opportunities in the world to choose from.  I want her to be able to decide on her own what she likes and dislikes, what kind of person she wants to be, etc.  I also want to pass on to her important pearls of wisdom I've strung around my neck over the years.  How does one do all this right?  If you know, I'd invite you to tell me.  I'd guess that you don't.  I don't think anyone does.  In fact, I'm fairly certain every single parent in the world asks themselves after every parenting action, "Did I do that right?  Did I do the best I could?  Will I help them?  Will I hinder them?" and so on.  I guess I'll just do my best to try to live in the moment.  Second guessing the past will do no good most of the time...and my hopes for her future are just that- hopes.  It's likely that she'll go a completely different direction than I could ever imagine.  It's likely there will be many mistakes, fun, heartache, joy, and surprises (happy and sad) over the course of her life.  I'm sure she'll teach me more than I'll ever teach her.  I just hope when she looks back on her youth she'll forget my mistakes and just see how much I love her and how much hope I will always have for her future.

List

Updating in list form:

* I haven't posted for several reasons (you will see them as you read on).  I've been super busy with work, new responsibilities, and trying desperately to keep up with the housework- easier to keep up than to deal with ransacked house and the end of the week.

* Zoe's had diarrhea for the last 3 days and a super painful, blistering bum-rash as a result.  It breaks my heart to change her bum as she cries and screams "Nonononono!" every time I wipe her.  It seems to be getting better though. 

* This came after two weeks of cutting molars and a month of terrible naps.  It's been a struggle to be a Mom lately.  Fortunately, she is hilarious and I LOVE her so I have built a well of patience.  I'll admit now that it's drying up.  I hope she starts napping soon.

* Also in Zoe news (what?  I'm home with her ALL DAY, EVERYDAY...what else would I talk about?)  She is getting tubes in just-shy-of two weeks.  I'm really nervous about the anesthesia and the surgery...but I'm hoping it will prevent multiple ear infections this Winter.  I'd love to hear (happy) stories about this if you have them.

* I went the the Killers concert on Saturday with Love- got him the tickets for Father's Day and he said he'd only take me (they're nearly the only band we both like).  I have to say, it was one of the best concerts I've ever been to.  You hope a band you love will be awesome live and they did not disappoint.  We heard a decent opening band (they didn't say their name clearly) and were surprised by a Mariachi band just before the Killers came on.  I have to say, I like Mariachi music...it reminds me of home.  However, maybe not the best idea at that kind of concert. Finally the Killers came on and from the start (after fixing some technical difficulties) it was a huge rush- literally.  We were general admission floor and were fortunate enough to be maybe two rows behind the stage...except when we were nearly smashed flat as the Killers struck the first chord and the entire crowd surged forward. We kept our ground and once we sorted out our centimeters of space everyone was dancing and singing along.  The best part was being there with Love...seeing him grin ear to ear was so worth it!

* I have finally (after several weeks of restarting) made it to week two of the Couch-to-5k running program.  Knee injuries, sickness, lack of motivation, and general laziness have been my excuses...then I get out there and run and I truly enjoy it.  The peace and quiet, the moon lighting my way, the stress relief...all of it.  To tell the truth, I was feeling pretty good and had become comfortable with week one's routine.  Week two kicked my butt yesterday, but it felt good to work a little harder.  I'm certain if I keep at it, I'll continue to feel better about myself, increase my strength, and hopefully lose a little weight and get into better shape for the next pregnancy.

* We are trying again.  No luck yet, but this time I haven't concerned myself with it too much.  It's only been a couple months.  I stay so busy with Zoe, Love, work, housework and with trying to do things for myself (read, run, play the piano, etc) that I can't dwell on it so much.  Also, I refuse to be the paranoid person I was then- unwilling to do ANYTHING that could possibly keep me from getting pregnant...living in a cocoon...crying all the time.  I don't know if it's because I already have one baby, or because I have doubts about how I will handle two kids, or if I'm just in a better place with myself, but I feel like my mind is healthier this time...it feels easier to let nature take it's course.  I wonder sometimes if Love is worried I will become single-minded again.  I don't want to...but of course it's early on and I don't know what will happen, so we'll see.  I did learn with Zoe that a baby will come when it's time...and no sooner.  I just hope I can remember it.

I think that'll do for now.  Sorry, this list isn't really a list...I'm sure with very little tweaking I could make it into a regular post...but it's late so it's fine.  What have you been up to?

Go figure

I'll have been in my house for a year come November and the city just came and did the final inspection this morning.  Explain that one!

The good news is: I finally have house numbers!

Home ownership is awesome.

Slow Down

Summer is winding down into the slower pace of Fall.  The air has a slight chill to it and the Fall aromas are beginning to perfume the nights.  The universe is telling me to slow down in all facets of my life.  Well, I haven't been listening.  All summer long I have been busy working, cleaning, playing, stressing, trying to find that state of balance...that "equipoise" that I'm supposed to be looking for here.  It seems that finding equipoise is not done by filling your day with projects, scheduling yourself, expecting perfection. 

Ever since Zoe was born I've been trying to get my house spotless- you know, like I had it before.  After a year of her life, I've finally realized that it's just not going to be...and that I have to learn to be ok with that.  Obviously, it's going to take me a long time to do that, but knowing is half the battle right?  On top of wantinga spotless house I am trying to be a perfect employee.  I've been working from home since May- something that sort of just fell into my lap.  Since it's something that is rare in my company, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it- which is a major stress all it's own.  It's been a great blessing as it allows me to help support my family financially while also living my dream of being home with Zoe.  Truth be told, though, it's a lot harder than I thought.  I love my daughter, but sometimes I wish I could just escape to work, have less crying and more adult conversation.  Before, when I was AT WORK part time, I could come home and truly focus on her...and on my days off I would get my cleaning and projects done during her naps.  Now, I work during all of her naps so I find myself doing the cleaning and projects when I feel like I should be focusing on her.  She is my priority...and I do play with her often and take her outside, read her books, let her explore, let her create...but sometimes I feel like I'm allowing my perfectionist nature about my house take up time I should be spending being an engaged parent.  It's become really hard for me to find a balance in this.

As if I needed to add more, I've also decided recently that I needed to start doing things for myself before I had nothing at all to give to my children.  I waited too long to make this decision and found myself slipping away as motherhood took over.  So I've been trying to play the piano more, reading more often, and I began an exercise program- which brought on the universe's message:

SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

That message came loud and clear when I hurt my knees running the very first day of the program.  I didn't listen...instead trying for two weeks to get them to feel better- going running despite the pain because I don't want to lose my motivation.  Before and throughout that, Zoe got sick with a double ear infection just after finally adjusting to being weaned to a bottle.  For weeks she's been whining, crying, clingy, and just generally unsatisfied.  It was my hope that this would stop once the antibiotics had taken effect- not so.  A few days after finishing the antibiotic a tooth popped through...ah, this must explain it.  SO we administered teething tablets and meds at night for pain...still whining, clingy, and not sleeping so great.  On top of all this I've been trying to reach my goals for the month for work and this is the final week of the month. 

Yesterday, I decided to walk instead of run and my knees are feeling better.  This evening I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and Zoe was all but climbing up my legs and crying.  Finally I left the dishes, picked her up and we went into the living room and played for a while before bedtime.  She stopped crying and that's when it hit me.  I need to slow down.  I need to continue my workouts but take a slower pace.  I need to worry less about perfection and more about getting it done so I can have fun with my daughter.  I need to focus on work when I'm working and leave it upstairs when I'm not.  Finally, I need to take things a day at a time.  Give myself daily goals, yes, but allow myself to decide daily how best to spend my time.  Children grow too fast, knees aren't made of steel, I am not wonder woman, as long as it's sanitary, the mess can wait.  So yeah, Universe, I got your message...loud and clear...slowing down now.

As a reward for making it through my long-winded ramblings here's some Equipoise family news:  We're officially trying to conceive...again.  I have more to say on this subject, but that is another post.  Until then, slow down! 

Sweat

As much as I hate it, there's nothing quite like knowing you worked your muscles hard enough to heat them up and cause you to sweat.  Recently I have stopped merely complaining about my weight and started to do something about it.  I'm paying attention to the amount of calories I put in my body and I've been working on fitting exercise into my schedule.  Neither have been easy and I haven't been perfect.  I decided, however, that perfection does not matter.  I'm simply proud to be doing SOMETHING.  I've been on a few walks...a couple with Zoe, but we're going to wait on that until it cools a bit before she goes with me again.  Tonight I decided to try running again...it's been a while.  As hard as it was, and as many times as I slowed to a walk, it still felt so good to really get my muscles moving.  I had forgotten my favorite parts: the wind rushing past my ears, the tightening of my abs, the burning in my thighs, the steady rhythm of my breathing as my music paced my feet.  I was determined to go today, so I ran in the dark- which I don't recommend as I listened to my music quietly and was so alert the whole time I couldn't fully enjoy the release of running- but at least I went.  As I sit here, still feeling the burn of my lungs, I feel accomplished...and ready to do a little better tomorrow.

P.S. I really appreciate everyone's comments on my last post.  As you've probably guessed by the running, I'm feeling much better now.  :)

I know...

I've been quiet.  I promise to post at least two posts this month...ahem...love squalor...oh and ahem...me- I know I owe you two months of Zoe updates.  :)  Anyway, the major thing going on in my life right now...the thing that plauges my thoughts...makes me cry...makes me scared...makes me worry...well I can't talk about it here.  So that's why I'm quiet.  Please give me some time to sort things out and I promise I'll be back...so don't leave for good.  Thanks everyone.

Hello World

I know I haven't been on here in a while.  Truthfully I wasn't sure what to write.  I'm still not sure.  I really should write Zoe's 9 month post...but wonder if that undertaking isn't more than it's worth sometimes.  Maybe I need to find a new way to go about it that doesn't create novel posts.  Anyhow, you're not getting that one today.  I've been thinking a lot lately about life.  A couple weeks ago my Grandpa C- my Daddy's Father- passed away.  While it wasn't completely unexpected, it felt sudden. Rushed.  When my Mom's Daddy- Grandpa L passed away a couple of months ago, I got to say my goodbye to him over the phone...and I was sort of hoping he would leave this life...just so he could be at peace.  His health had been slowly deteriorating for so long that, even though we would miss him, we knew it was time for him to go.  After the beginning of the year my Grandpa C started going downhill.  He has been suffering from Dementia for a few years now.  It was hard on all of us- his family- to watch his mind deteriorate.  I knew the day would soon come that he would leave us...I just thought I'd have more time.  I guess that is the way of many of us in this world.  We always think we'll have more time.  We keep placing agendas on tomorrow's to do list until we eventually run out of tomorrows.  Anyway, the day my Grandpa passed away- March 22nd, I was sad, but he hadn't eaten in days and was completely bed ridden and so I was a bit relieved.  On the day of the viewing, I fell apart.  It didn't really hit me until I was there that he was gone.  I will miss him greatly.  I'm comforted by the knowledge that he is in a better place.  I'm sure he's up there teasing and joking with our relatives gone before him- the way he did with us growing up.  Still, his passing has been harder on me than I thought.  I think it has something to do with both of my Grandpas leaving me so close together.  I worry about both Grandmas and hope they know how much they are loved and hope they can find comfort now.  I suppose with both of my Grandpas I have a bit of regret lingering.  I called often, but could have called more.  I wish I could have been there more.  The more I think about it the more I let these things go.  I know that they both know how much I love them.  I know I will see them both again.  I guess what you could conclude from my ramblings is that I'm missing a couple of wonderful men from my life...and it's caused me to think more about what I'm doing with that life.  I'm still not sure other than my role as a wife/ mother/ daughter/ friend.  Other than that, I'm still thinking.

Some Great Advice

I needed this today. Love Squalor recommended a website to me a while back and I really needed to hear what they had to say today. Check it out!

Marc and Angel Hack Life- "25 Ways to Live 25 Hours a Day"

P.S. I made a dumb mistake earlier trying to post this from my work email.  It caused me a lot of problems that I won't get into, and it caused me to have to re-configure my feed.  If you have a feed reader and you subscribed by copying my url, this should not affect you.  If you subscribed to my feed via the link on my website, you will need to update the address or re-subscribe.  I apologize for any inconvenience.  Email me at findingequipoise at gmail dot com if you have trouble or questions.  Thanks!

Love and Equipoise

Got this from dooce.  It's been floating around facebook too.  I figure I don't know how much about the two of us I've spilled here so here goes:

What are your middle names?
 My middle name is Cherice, Love's middle name is Watson...as in "My Dear".  No, just kidding, it's his Mother's maiden name.

How long have you been together?
We've been together over 5 years

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Well, I met him in high school so...4 years

Who asked whom out?
I was at work when he came in with his family for lunch.  (I worked at Red Robin.)  He asked me out by pretending that his Jetta key was either lost or locked in the car (impossible) and came back into my work to "look for it".  He asked me out after he "found" it and we've been together ever since.  Five years later, I just now realized that our entire relationship sprouted from a lie...should I be worried?

How old are each of you?
I'm 26, he's 25...yes I robbed the cradle.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
His.  Mine live in New Mexico.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I don't know that there is a specific situation that is hard on us.  We have a tendency to talk each other up and through difficult situations.  I think our struggle as a couple is that we are both very opinionated, defensive and stubborn by nature...which makes for some crazy head-butting.  However, we are very good at fighting- meaning we usually resolve things quickly...even though we are throwing grenades for a bit.

Did you go to the same school?
For a couple years in high school.   

Are you from the same home town?
No.  I grew up in Albuquerque, NM and Love grew up all over- Army brat.  I would say we now live in what he'd call his hometown...if he had one.

Who is smarter?
Book smart?  Me.  Street smart?  Him.  I've never known anyone who can store more information- useless or not- in their head...he's experienced more of the world than me.

Who is the most sensitive?
I am leaning towards me...but he has his moments...especially since Zoe was born.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Most?  McDonald's.  Ha ha, how sad is that?

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Springfield, VA

Who has the craziest exes?
I think we're about equal on that one...and that's as far as that's going.

Who has the worst temper?
Both of us have pretty bad tempers.  He has a tendency to hold on to grudges...he'll keep quiet but you know when he's mad- you'll find yourself walking on eggshells.  It takes a lot to get me mad, but if you get there, it's not pretty.  I yell a lot...and cry.  I don't hold grudges, but I'll force you to hash it out right then and there because I don't like to hang on to stuff like that.

Who does the cooking?
I used to before I became a Mom and realized I'm not superwoman.  He does most of it now, but we trade off.

Who is the neat-freak?
Though I have weakened a bit in recent months- children will do that to you- I will readily admit that I'm the neat freak...and he...well...he just isn't.  Clutter stresses me OUT!

Who is more stubborn?
I am the opinionated stubborn type.  He is the silent stubborn type.  I think we're in trouble with our already stubborn 7 month old.

Who hogs the bed?
HIM!  If I'm sleeping well I hardly move.

Who wakes up earlier?
ME.  Gotta get up and ready before Zoe gets up.  For the record, there's nothing more frustrating than watching other's sleep contentedly on a Saturday morning or when it's 5:30 am and you have to be awake.

Where was your first date?
A movie theater in Albuquerque...we saw "Freaky Friday".  One of probably 5 chick flicks he's ever watched with me.

Who is more jealous?
Neither.  After some interesting past relationships we both make it a point to never be jealous.  We have complete trust in each other.

How long did it take to get serious?
He knew right away.  It took my stubborn behind a few more weeks to catch on that this was the love of my life.  We were engaged a month after that.

Who eats more?
Him...by a mile.  I remember when we first got married.  I would make what I thought was a huge meal.  He would eat firsts...then seconds...then be in the fridge looking for something else.  I was shocked.  He also eats much faster than me.

Who does the laundry?
We both do...but I tend to be stuck with the folding and putting away a lot.  He blames it on my OCD about how mine and Zoe's clothes are folded- he does do his clothes.  I think it's a cop out.  It continues and we're both happy.  :)

Who's better with the computer?
Probably him, though I think I can sort of hold my own.  Truthfully I think we need a computer technician in the family to make sure we haven't done something massively damaging to this machine.

Who drives when you are together?
He almost always drives.  I am pretty much done with driving.  I've driven cross country one too many times I think.  Plus, I get to sit and read a lot of the time during our hour commute to work.

Love, if you find any discrepancies, feel free to fill out your own version.

I tag anyone that wants to.  Leave a comment if you do!

2008

I found this on Back to Me and decided to fill it out here.  So, here goes:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?  Got in a serious car accident where our vehicle was totaled...while pregnant, lived with Gestational Diabetes, gave birth, learned to breastfeed, became a Mother, learned to love someone more than I ever though possible in an instant, learned (and still learning) to juggle motherhood, being a wife, being a housekeeper, working, and commuting, bought a house and probably several other things.  This year has been full of newness.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  Honestly, I don't really remember my new year's resolutions...or if I made any.  I will be making some for 2009.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  Several people I know.  Especially my two best friends, and my two sisters-in-law.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Unfortunately my Grandfather, on my Mom's side, passed away on December 24th.

5. What countries did you visit?  None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?  Enough money that I can stay at home with Zoe.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?  January 8th- the day of the pregnant car crash, June 30th- the day Zoe was born, August 25th- the day I had to go back to work...the hardest day of my life to date, November 3rd- the day we signed papers for the house, November 8th- our first night in the house, and December 24th- the day my beloved Grandpa passed away.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Becoming a Mom and surviving all the changes.

9. What was your biggest failure?  Not speaking up sooner about what motherhood had done to my identity, not asking for help sooner, and not ever finding equipoise- a state of balance.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  I suffered minor injuries in our car crash in January.  As far as illnesses I had gestational diabetes- is that considered an illness?- and a urinary tract infection...and some colds here and there.  Fairly healthy year though, I guess.

11. What was the best thing you bought?  My house.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  My Mom's.  I don't know how I could have possibly made it through the year without her.  Also, my Dad and Grandmother helped us purchase our house.  My husband's family and their willingness to help care for my daughter.  My Boss for being so great about all the changes this year.  Actually a lot of people were pretty awesome this year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  A minimal few whom I do not want to name or discuss here.

14. Where did most of your money go?  Bills.  Mostly hospital bills this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  The day I held my healthy baby girl in my arms and watching her learn, grow, and develop.  She is the light of my life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?  "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry because of all the controversy.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?  Sadder.  The holidays were rough for our family this year.  Last year I was pregnant and hopeful for the year to come.
b) thinner or fatter?  Thinner...but only slightly...I was about 14 weeks pregnant then.
c) richer or poorer?  Much poorer.  I cut my hours after coming back from Maternity Leave and also we have more debt now...working on that.  But you know what?  It's totally worth it!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?  Sleep.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?  Worry/stress

20. How did you spend Christmas?  We had Love's Sister and his Parents over on Christmas Eve and Love cooked a delicious dinner all by himself.  Christmas morning Zoe opened presents with us and her Grandparents, we saw "Marley & Me" in theaters, then spent the rest of Christmas Day with Love's family.  We spent the night at his parent's house because the snow was so bad.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?  Well, I'm constantly falling in love with Love (ha ha) for various reasons.  This year there were many as I watched him become a Father.  Also I fell in love with Zoe...more than I ever thought possible.

22. What was your favorite TV program?  Heroes

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?  I try really hard to never hate anyone.  In fact, I have a very hard time holding a grudge.  I find it easier on my soul to let things go.

24. What was the best book you read?  "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam.  That book changed my life.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  That Zoe likes it when I sing.  :)  Just kidding, I am so stuck on her!  No, this year I discovered Paramore and Ingrid Michaelson.  There are probably more but those are my favorites.

26. What did you want and get?  A beautiful, perfect, healthy baby.

27. What did you want and not get?  To be a stay-at-home Mom.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?  The Dark Knight

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  I turned 26.  I slept in, went to church, spent the evening with family, ate homemade chicken noodle soup, and received very thoughtful gifts from Love.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  More time for myself- to do things that I enjoy, to work out, to play the flute or piano or sing, to go swing dancing...anything really.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?  Something comfortable with an expanding waistband for the first half of the year.  Anything that fits, that I can wear to work, the second half of the year.

32. What kept you sane?  An incredibly helpful and patient Husband/Father.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  It's usually Angelina Jolie...and nothing's changed.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?  The economy.

35. Who did you miss?  My friends.  I have some that live far away that I miss all the time, some that I lost due to changes in our (or their) lives, and some that I just don't get to see as much as I used to.  I also really missed my family way more than usual after Zoe was born.  I hate that they don't get to be around her all the time.

36. Who was the best new person you met?  Zoe

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.  I learned to find a way to enjoy your life no matter what.  It passes too quickly to live in the past.  Things will happen the way that they are intended to happen...not necessarily on your time.  In the end you'll understand why so don't worry about that now.  I will apply what I learned in 2009.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. 

 

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is our fate- Jason Mraz

 

My year has been full of the new.  New people, new experiences, new love, new places, new discoveries, new learning experiences.  I feel like I've lived in a whirlwind the whole year.  In 2009 I hope to gain my footing again.  I hope to find time to do more things I enjoy, get in better shape, be an amazing wife and mother, find a way to stay home with Zoe,  and try to live more in the moment instead of putting things off.  I hope to find equipoise in 2009.  Care to join me?

 

Tomorrow night Love and I will be writing down our New Year's resolutions and I will post them here.  I will also be posting Zoe's 6 month letter soon.  Happy New Year!!!