Am I doing this right?

As a (relatively) new mother, I've come to the abrupt realization recently that I have no idea what I'm doing.  Finally I realize why so many parents turn to other parents, mothers, parenting books and doctors for advice all the time.  I think in the first year of life your main focus is to keep your kid alive.  You have to make sure they are getting enough food, sleep, attention, playtime, etc.  Then suddenly they begin to crawl and you must make sure to keep them out of harm's way and teach them how to master things like stairs and to refrain from using that chair that topples backwards to pull themselves up.  You finally get to a point where you are trusting them more and more and then they start to walk.  It's a whole new ballgame, walking.  Suddenly, because they are mobile on two legs just like everyone else, they think they are big.  They begin using their daily accumulated vocabulary not just to practice sounds, but to communicate ideas...or frustrations.  They want to start doing things themselves and you want to let them.  You try not to hover while they climb up the stairs and stand up dangerously close to the edge.  You praise them for their good behavior and do your best to divert them from violent behavior (like hitting, scratching, and pinching), dangerous behavior (like running into the street), and annoying behavior (like screaming).  Then you watch shows about a Fantastic English Caregiver who gives parents discipline coaching and see all these kids who's parents were just like you...doing their best to raise kids into productive members of society without really knowing how...and their kids went the complete opposite of their hopes.  You see these little monsters and you think, "Oh, my kids will never be like that."  How do you know??!!  I sometimes see a stubbornness and defiance in my daughter at a tender age of 15 months that I didn't expect to encounter until her teen years and I wonder how I'm ever going to do this RIGHT.  I don't want her to turn into a little monster because I let her get away with everything (which I don't)...yet I also don't want to be that overly controlling mother that every child hates because she won't let them be their own person.  I want her to have all the opportunities in the world to choose from.  I want her to be able to decide on her own what she likes and dislikes, what kind of person she wants to be, etc.  I also want to pass on to her important pearls of wisdom I've strung around my neck over the years.  How does one do all this right?  If you know, I'd invite you to tell me.  I'd guess that you don't.  I don't think anyone does.  In fact, I'm fairly certain every single parent in the world asks themselves after every parenting action, "Did I do that right?  Did I do the best I could?  Will I help them?  Will I hinder them?" and so on.  I guess I'll just do my best to try to live in the moment.  Second guessing the past will do no good most of the time...and my hopes for her future are just that- hopes.  It's likely that she'll go a completely different direction than I could ever imagine.  It's likely there will be many mistakes, fun, heartache, joy, and surprises (happy and sad) over the course of her life.  I'm sure she'll teach me more than I'll ever teach her.  I just hope when she looks back on her youth she'll forget my mistakes and just see how much I love her and how much hope I will always have for her future.

Comments

[Jenn Teller]

Hey Sweetie! First and foremost you are doing a great job!!! Don't ever think different. We are all learning, every day wether it be 1 child or 3 children. You will learn with Zoe and maybe try something and it doesn't turn out the way you want, she does it again so try something else. Trust me, it's different for every child. You can do it!!! Just enjoy every minute of little Zoe.

Call me if you need to talk!

Jenn - mommy to Joshua and Jenna

[sexychoco]

I like what you wrote. Although I'm not a parent myself--what you say has great truth in it. We don't know what our children will choose to become, but I like what you wrote about her going in a different direction than what you imagine--I'm sure that will happen (and probably in a good, surprising way), but I know because you care so much and love her, there isn't anything you can do "wrong". If she knows you love her and care about her, she'll become the great person she is to become! I'm sure of it! :)

[Equipoise]

Thank you girls for your kind words. I really appreciate it! :)

[Snuggle Zone]

I think you are doing a great job! At least you are aware and you love her!

[Jacque]

You're doing great! No one does it perfectly--ever! The one thing I started doing with Charlotte at a young age (around 12 months when she was very mobile and curious) was not just saying, "no" when she would grab something that was an "owie" or starting to get into something I didn't want her to. I would pick her up, try my best to make eye contact with her and talk to her. She loved to try and grab my curling iron. So, I would pick her up, look at her and say, "Mommy loves to curl her hair! But, Char's little fingers can get burned and that would make mommy very sad. If you would like to play with the curling iron, ask mommy." I would show her the red light and tell her, "When it's on, it's an owie. If the light is off, come ask me and you can play with it. But only if you ask mommy." She caught on pretty fast with different things. I'm just like you. Always sitting back saying, "Did I do that the right way?"
I will never forget that my mom always said (when she was trying to get our attention when we were younger), "look at my eyes. Look at mommy's eyes." And then she would talk to us. I value that now that I have been doing it with Charlotte. It helps her calm herself down too.
Anyway, that's just a bit of what has helped me, but I am so far from being th perfect mother.
I have a hard time believing you're anything BUT a great mother. Zoe is very lucky to have you for her mama!

[Equipoise]

I just love all the encouragement and advice I get from you wonderful ladies! Thank you!

[kristen]

Hi!! I love this post. I realized a long time ago that i could read all the parenting books in the world and it still wouldn't cover everything. ALL of my kids (i have four) are different and need different attention in different ways. SERIOUSLY: the only way to do it "right", is to listen to the spirit with each and every child, because you can't use the same tactics on all of them. ;) Another mom (of teenagers) knew EVERYTHING. Her kids were afraid to do anything wrong because she ALWAYS found out. When asked, she said she did it by reading her scriptures DAILY and staying close to the spirit. GO MOM!! (I hope I am a mom like that!)
Another Mom told me (a temple worker) that as long as I went to the temple, my kids would be okay.
I think you are an amazing Momma. Look at how Zoe has grown!! I can't believe how big she is, and how long her hair has gotten!
okay, enough gabbing. the end.

[Equipoise]

Thank you, Kristen, for your beautiful and very uplifting comment. I love that I've reconnected with so many people from my past through this blog and that you've formed such an amazing, supportive community for me to turn to. I really appreciate your words! Take care!