Finding Equipoise

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm going to be honest with you.  This has been a rough year for me and my family.  Truth be told, I will be especially grateful when it's over...and will be hoping for a much better year to come.  However, as our U.S. holiday creeps up on me, I've been able to reflect over the wonderful things in my life and wanted to share with you what I am thankful for.  Since I'm in a silly mood, I will do it as I spell out the word "Grateful"!  (Bear with me.)

Gospel teachings.  Heavenly Father is my rock.  To try to live day to day without His wisdom, His guiding light, His comfort, His peace, His forgiveness is unfathomable to me.  There have been many times in my life, and throughout this year, where I have turned to Him for help, comfort, or direction in my life and He has always been there for me.  Also, I am thankful for Jesus Christ- for His example and especially his great atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world.  I'm thankful for the knowledge I've gained and an increase in my spirituality this year.  I'm also thankful for my trials because they push me to be better than I am.

Real friends are far and few between for many, but I have several.  Some live closer to me than others, some I've only met in internet world, but all of you have touched my life for the better and have stuck by me through good times and bad.  I want you to know that your constant support and encouragement is greatly appreciated.  I consider myself so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.  You all are the family that I chose!

A love of reading, of music, and of the arts.  Books take me to far away places and let me explore life through the eyes of thousands of characters.  I'm grateful that I love to read and that my daughter has grown to also love to read.  Music touches my soul in a way I can't describe.  I love all forms of music, dance and expression and I'm so grateful for not only my musical talent, but for the talent of all people in this world who have grabbed my heart with their music and movement.  I love many forms of the arts and am grateful that so many of you share your artistic talents with me through the internet.

Toddlerhood.  Zoe is my greatest gift.  I love being her Mother.  I love the laughter and joy that she brings to my life.  She pushes my buttons and exercises my patience but, no matter how frustrated she makes me, I love her just the same.  She is so smart and sweet and lovely.  She continues to be my little miracle.  I have enjoyed watching her grow and learn as she went from baby to toddler.  I'm grateful for the sweet moments when I get an unexpected show of affection, a silly laugh, when she dances to the music, when she talks...I could go on and on.  I thank Heavenly Father every day for entrusting her to my care.  I love you Zoe!

Employment.  My heart aches for those who don't have jobs or who are having financial troubles because of lowered wages or effects of the economy.  It's easy to think of only yourself and your troubles...and I have been up until recently.  Then I realized how incredibly blessed we are just to have stable employment.  I am especially grateful for my work-from-home job.  It allows me to prioritize my life the way I need to as a Mother and I couldn't be more thankful.  Our jobs may only pay the bills and little more, but because of them I have a house, food, a car and the necessities of life.  That is truly a blessing right now.

Family.  I have a great love for my family- which includes the one I married into.  I have been blessed with so many wonderful people that I call family.  People that will be there to help me, no matter my need.  People who love and accept me for who I am.  People who love my daughter as much as I do.  To my blood family, thank you for dropping everything when I come home so I can get in as much time as I can with you, thank you for your love, your support, your friendship, your phone calls, your concern and for always being there when I need you.  To my in-laws, thank you for stepping in as my family lives far away, for providing me sisterly/brotherly love and advice, for accepting me into your family as one of your own, for babysitting, for your friendship and for your service and support.  To all of you, I wouldn't be where I am without you and I love you all dearly.

Unceasing service from others and for the opportunity to serve.  This year has presented me with so many wonderful opportunities to serve and receive service.  Whether through church, to a friend or from a friend, to or from neighbors, to or from strangers, I have seen so much selfless love this year.  Service is a way to help people feel loved, relieved, supported, acknowledged and cared for.  I pray I will have many more opportunities to serve my fellowman and to experience the kind of love for every person that Heavenly Father has.

Love is my partner in life, he is my best friend, my lover, my confidant and my shoulder to cry on.  Without him, my life would be incomplete.  He treats me as his equal and loves me more than I ever thought possible.  He supports me in my decisions and encourages my growth.  He is an amazing Father.  To watch him with Zoe is a constant joy to my heart.  He works so hard to take care of our family.  I'm so grateful I am married to him for ETERNITY!  I love you, Love!

I hope each of you take a minute to express what you're grateful for this year, whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not.  I hope those of you that do celebrate have a great time with your families and friends.  Happy Thanksgiving!

On the same page?

Recently I've had to make a few house rules for Zoe to keep her out of trouble/ harm's way.  Since I'm the one home with her most often I enforce those rules, but sometimes forget to pass them on to Love.  So the other day Love and I were in the car and I brought it up:

Me:  I think it would be a good idea to sit down and write out some house rules.

Love: ...

Me:  It's just that I want to have it written out so that we're on the same page.

Love:  I thought we were on the same page...or have you skipped ahead a few pages?

Me:  Well...

Love:  ...'cuz you tend to do that sometimes.  I'm sitting there on page one and you've skipped ahead to like page 25.  Or, I'm stuck in the pre-log...the...what is that before the first chapter?  (Love hates to read.)

Me: The prologue? 

Love:  Yeah, I'm stuck in the prologue and you're on like chapter 5.

I guess I need to be better at communication???

The Charter for Compassion

I found this on Penelope Illustration.  She stumbled upon this video while looking up an NPR recording of Karen Armstrong speaking.  (Please click over to her blog if you'd like to hear the recording.)  I believe The Charter for Compassion is striving for the kind of world that I want to live in.  They are asking people to create a compassionate environment worldwide by following The Golden Rule- which from my background is, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  I've put the video here because I think it's a very noble cause and I hope, as Penelope said, that you will pass it on too. 

Because I'm that lazy...

Our trip to New Mexico was so fun!  Zoe was a lot less clingy this time and showed off her colorful personality.  Zoe had a blast Trick-or-Treating in her little fairy costume.  It was really nice to spend time with my family.  Love you guys!  Since my Mom posted pictures of the trip on her blog, I'll just link you there.  Enjoy!

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OH!  Just a fun tidbit.  The other day Zoe brought me her ABC book and was mumbling something.  I looked right at her and concentrated on her words and she said, "ABC's?"  I got so excited and proud of my smart little girl!  She also counts to three and asks "What's that?" at every opportunity.  I'm really enjoying her growing vocabulary.

Be OK

I am leaving on Wednesday to go to New Mexico to visit my family and celebrate Halloween. I am so excited to see them! This will be Zoe's first "real" Halloween. She's going to re-use her fairy wings from my sister's wedding and go Trick-or-Treating with her Uncle A. It will be fun! In my absence I will leave you a video of Zoe dancing to "Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson. My child loves music and will dance nearly every time she hears some. I just love her!

Grateful

So my running program went on hiatus for a couple weeks.  Mostly because I got busy with work and motherhood and blah, blah, blah and figured that was the easiest to give up.  Also, because it got cold...very suddenly.  After almost two weeks I really thought about it and decided that taking care of my body was more important than housework or really anything else...because if I let my body down...I will let everything and everyone down in not being able to do what I normally do.  Plus I missed it...A LOT.  I FEEL so much better when I've exercised.  I feel healthy, happy, and in control- which you know is like breathing to me.  Also, I'm sick of the unsightly bulges.  So I emailed Love and told him I needed to figure out some way to run again.  I figured he'd email me back some encouragement and I'd need to start brainstorming.  Instead he emailed me and said he'd permanently put Zoe to bed on the nights I wanted to run- we usually switch off every two nights- so I could just go as soon as my dinner had settled.  After a week of this I really think it's going to work.  It freed me to go whenever I was ready instead of worrying about getting Zoe to bed first or coming up with excuses (like laziness) not to.  It helps that it also gives me motivation in the form of guilt: "If Love is going to put Zoe to bed, I can't really just be lazy and not run."  I'm so grateful, not only for his support, but for him enabling me to create a healthy habit.  Besides, I figure it's a win-win for him.  He gets time with Zoe on his own (while I get time on my own) and, if I get in better shape, he'll reap the benefits.  :)  Hello, week 3!

Am I doing this right?

As a (relatively) new mother, I've come to the abrupt realization recently that I have no idea what I'm doing.  Finally I realize why so many parents turn to other parents, mothers, parenting books and doctors for advice all the time.  I think in the first year of life your main focus is to keep your kid alive.  You have to make sure they are getting enough food, sleep, attention, playtime, etc.  Then suddenly they begin to crawl and you must make sure to keep them out of harm's way and teach them how to master things like stairs and to refrain from using that chair that topples backwards to pull themselves up.  You finally get to a point where you are trusting them more and more and then they start to walk.  It's a whole new ballgame, walking.  Suddenly, because they are mobile on two legs just like everyone else, they think they are big.  They begin using their daily accumulated vocabulary not just to practice sounds, but to communicate ideas...or frustrations.  They want to start doing things themselves and you want to let them.  You try not to hover while they climb up the stairs and stand up dangerously close to the edge.  You praise them for their good behavior and do your best to divert them from violent behavior (like hitting, scratching, and pinching), dangerous behavior (like running into the street), and annoying behavior (like screaming).  Then you watch shows about a Fantastic English Caregiver who gives parents discipline coaching and see all these kids who's parents were just like you...doing their best to raise kids into productive members of society without really knowing how...and their kids went the complete opposite of their hopes.  You see these little monsters and you think, "Oh, my kids will never be like that."  How do you know??!!  I sometimes see a stubbornness and defiance in my daughter at a tender age of 15 months that I didn't expect to encounter until her teen years and I wonder how I'm ever going to do this RIGHT.  I don't want her to turn into a little monster because I let her get away with everything (which I don't)...yet I also don't want to be that overly controlling mother that every child hates because she won't let them be their own person.  I want her to have all the opportunities in the world to choose from.  I want her to be able to decide on her own what she likes and dislikes, what kind of person she wants to be, etc.  I also want to pass on to her important pearls of wisdom I've strung around my neck over the years.  How does one do all this right?  If you know, I'd invite you to tell me.  I'd guess that you don't.  I don't think anyone does.  In fact, I'm fairly certain every single parent in the world asks themselves after every parenting action, "Did I do that right?  Did I do the best I could?  Will I help them?  Will I hinder them?" and so on.  I guess I'll just do my best to try to live in the moment.  Second guessing the past will do no good most of the time...and my hopes for her future are just that- hopes.  It's likely that she'll go a completely different direction than I could ever imagine.  It's likely there will be many mistakes, fun, heartache, joy, and surprises (happy and sad) over the course of her life.  I'm sure she'll teach me more than I'll ever teach her.  I just hope when she looks back on her youth she'll forget my mistakes and just see how much I love her and how much hope I will always have for her future.

Zoe Talks

Another taste of Zoe's talking skills.  In this video she was particularly chatty.  Unfortunately I had just finished taking pictures and switched to video so quickly to catch her mood that I forgot to turn the camera.  So, sorry...again, you will have to turn your head to watch!

 

 

Happy Birthday Grandpa S!

Since we can't be there with you, we recorded a video just for you!  Love you lots!

List

Updating in list form:

* I haven't posted for several reasons (you will see them as you read on).  I've been super busy with work, new responsibilities, and trying desperately to keep up with the housework- easier to keep up than to deal with ransacked house and the end of the week.

* Zoe's had diarrhea for the last 3 days and a super painful, blistering bum-rash as a result.  It breaks my heart to change her bum as she cries and screams "Nonononono!" every time I wipe her.  It seems to be getting better though. 

* This came after two weeks of cutting molars and a month of terrible naps.  It's been a struggle to be a Mom lately.  Fortunately, she is hilarious and I LOVE her so I have built a well of patience.  I'll admit now that it's drying up.  I hope she starts napping soon.

* Also in Zoe news (what?  I'm home with her ALL DAY, EVERYDAY...what else would I talk about?)  She is getting tubes in just-shy-of two weeks.  I'm really nervous about the anesthesia and the surgery...but I'm hoping it will prevent multiple ear infections this Winter.  I'd love to hear (happy) stories about this if you have them.

* I went the the Killers concert on Saturday with Love- got him the tickets for Father's Day and he said he'd only take me (they're nearly the only band we both like).  I have to say, it was one of the best concerts I've ever been to.  You hope a band you love will be awesome live and they did not disappoint.  We heard a decent opening band (they didn't say their name clearly) and were surprised by a Mariachi band just before the Killers came on.  I have to say, I like Mariachi music...it reminds me of home.  However, maybe not the best idea at that kind of concert. Finally the Killers came on and from the start (after fixing some technical difficulties) it was a huge rush- literally.  We were general admission floor and were fortunate enough to be maybe two rows behind the stage...except when we were nearly smashed flat as the Killers struck the first chord and the entire crowd surged forward. We kept our ground and once we sorted out our centimeters of space everyone was dancing and singing along.  The best part was being there with Love...seeing him grin ear to ear was so worth it!

* I have finally (after several weeks of restarting) made it to week two of the Couch-to-5k running program.  Knee injuries, sickness, lack of motivation, and general laziness have been my excuses...then I get out there and run and I truly enjoy it.  The peace and quiet, the moon lighting my way, the stress relief...all of it.  To tell the truth, I was feeling pretty good and had become comfortable with week one's routine.  Week two kicked my butt yesterday, but it felt good to work a little harder.  I'm certain if I keep at it, I'll continue to feel better about myself, increase my strength, and hopefully lose a little weight and get into better shape for the next pregnancy.

* We are trying again.  No luck yet, but this time I haven't concerned myself with it too much.  It's only been a couple months.  I stay so busy with Zoe, Love, work, housework and with trying to do things for myself (read, run, play the piano, etc) that I can't dwell on it so much.  Also, I refuse to be the paranoid person I was then- unwilling to do ANYTHING that could possibly keep me from getting pregnant...living in a cocoon...crying all the time.  I don't know if it's because I already have one baby, or because I have doubts about how I will handle two kids, or if I'm just in a better place with myself, but I feel like my mind is healthier this time...it feels easier to let nature take it's course.  I wonder sometimes if Love is worried I will become single-minded again.  I don't want to...but of course it's early on and I don't know what will happen, so we'll see.  I did learn with Zoe that a baby will come when it's time...and no sooner.  I just hope I can remember it.

I think that'll do for now.  Sorry, this list isn't really a list...I'm sure with very little tweaking I could make it into a regular post...but it's late so it's fine.  What have you been up to?